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In 1988 when I was 7 months pregnant I was brutally attacked and stabbed 27 times by what most believe was the Ct. River Valley Serial Killer. I am also believed to be his first and only survivor. I want to share my story, my struggles and my life after my attack in hopes to help that one person who feels so alone and suffering from PTSD. 

I want share about my addiction and how I hit rock bottom 10 yrs ago which almost ended my life. I want to share about my anger, survival guilt, anxiety, and my depression, the guilt have had to live with for my daughters disabilities. I want to share about my healing process.

My life was a facade for 20 yrs after my attack. I wasn't the person people thought I was. I had turned into a very different person. I was a very angry, bitter, depressed, lost person. I felt so alone for so many yrs. I felt as if my attack was my fault. I was a complete mess on the inside but yet I was able to live what I thought was a normal life. 

I finally had to admit to myself just how broken I really was. I couldn't hide it anymore. This was the first time I received counseling to address my PTSD. This is when I decided I needed to strip myself naked to begin healing myself. 

For yrs after my attack I felt as if I lived in a cocoon, being held captive, not able to escape nor did I even want to. I was slowly killing myself with my addiction, My addiction was my escape from reality, it was the escape I so desperately needed to escape the reality of my attack. But at the same time it was destroying my life. My worst enemy was always my memory of what happened the night evil stepped into my life. I was emotionally exhausted.

My counseling showed me I did not have to be a victim no longer, I am a survivor. 

"Even in times of trauma we try to maintain a sense of normality until we no longer can. That my friends, is called survival not healing. We never become whole again...we are survivors. If you are here today..you are a survivor. But those of us who have made it thru hell and still standing? we bare a different name ... warriors ~Lori Goodwin~

What people who do not suffer PTSD don't realize is if you have had any trauma in your life you don't just "get over it", or "move on", you are forced to make space for it, you carry it, you learn to live with it and sometimes you thrive in spite of it.

Trauma creates change you don't choose. Healing is about creating the change you do choose. I have been broken but here I stand, still moving forward and growing stronger everyday. I will never forget the harsh lessons in my life, They make me stronger everyday. When you can tell your story and it doesn't make you cry you know you have healed. You are not a victim, just a fighter with scars that few can understand.

All my wounds healed fairly quickly after my attack but it took yrs to heal mentally, I allowed him (my attacker) to run my life, he almost destroyed me not only physically but mentally. "I" now have control over my life. "I" am in control of my own destiny. I am no longer a victim, I am a Survivor.

I want people who suffer from PTSD to know you can heal, you can live a normal happy life, you are not alone, we can get thru this together, and most of all you too are a survivor.

Today I am so thankful to be able to live such a beautiful, normal life, thankful for my wonderful family and friends that have supported me and most of all thankful to be alive.

I will never let people forget the victims of the CT River Valley Killer. They were taken way to soon and in such a brutal way.